White Flag

Since the Lord has taught me transparency, and since no one reads this blog anyway, I'm going to use it to vent my frustrations.

I am living a minor panic attack. Constantly. I'm always agitated, restless. I can't focus on anything for more than a few minutes. My breathing is more shallow... I can't take more than two deep breaths or I feel like I'm going to suffocate.

I'm trying to study, but I can't. I had trouble just driving my roommate to work. That's dangerous! I shouldn't even be on the roads! How am I supposed to function?! How am I supposed to live?!

I don't know if all of this is just a side effect of the medicine, and if so will it wear off? Do I just need to be patient, or is there something else going on? And how much of it is something that I need to throw drugs at and how much of it do I just need to wait on the Lord for and let Him do His thing?

I don't know what normal is anymore. What is "normal-people pride"? How much pride do normal people deal with, and how much of what I deal with is normal? What is "normal-people anxiety"? Is it weird to cry and have a panic attack when you're about to go visit family? Do normal people do that?

I don't know. I give up. I surrender. God, I can't do anything without You, Your word makes that clear. I don't know how many times I've given up already... how much longer? I'm exhausted. How do I do this in Your strength? How much have You already sustained me? I don't know. I don't know anything any more...