Don't push me, 'cause I'm close to the edge...

I am on the verge of something.

I'm not sure what it is, but it's big. It's radical. I feel like I've hit a fork in the road of life and I can choose to do what is permissible, or what is beneficial (1 Corinthians 10:23-24).

I've been at this place before. For those of you who don't know my testimony, I was diagnosed recently with clinical depression and bipolar disorder. A year ago, I struggled with it a lot, and as I was coming out of the funk I hit the fork: Permissible vs. beneficial.

I figured: If I choose permissible, I will probably hit the fork again and have to choose beneficial after learning many hard lessons the difficult way, so I may as well choose beneficial now. So I did. And I had one of the most amazing semesters I have ever had. Life was not without its difficulties, but there was such immense joy in the midst of it.

I am at that place again, but this time it feels like God is taking it a step further.

Why do I go to class at A&M? Is it to learn the material, to do well, to graduate and get a degree? Because those are all selfish reasons. Should I not go to class to tell the people there about the Good News? Yes! I think so!

Now, some of you may be thinking (and I know my parents would say), "But God has you in this place for a reason. You should strive to do well in your schoolwork." Yes, God has me here for a reason. Isn't that reason to spread the Gospel? It sounds crazy, doesn't it? But my life should look crazy! It shouldn't make sense!

What if I gave up everything, all my dreams and goals and ideas of what life should look like to devote my time to sharing the Gospel with everyone I meet. What would my life look like? I would probably look like a bum to most people. However, I feel like I would look a lot like Paul. Living Hope did a skit a while back about being weird. We're supposed to look weird for Christ's sake (no pun intended).

I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff and God is telling me, "Jump, my daughter. I'll catch you." There are butterflies in my stomach... I'm scared, but I know I'll be okay. I also know that when all is said and done (me being the adrenaline junkie that I am) I will be thrilled and want to do it all over again.

How do you explain all this to people who simply exist? I don't think you can. I think only people who are really living the life that is truly life (1 Timothy 6:19) will understand it. So if none of this makes sense to you, or you think I'm crazy, you should probably go jump off a cliff. :-)

I am.